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| time to look back and summarize 2008:
it was absolutely the worst year of my life.
i moved back to ohio, and ended up hating the school that i transferred to. i had a lot of regrets about not returning to AU. i ended up realizing some passions that i had, and they did not necessarily match up with what i came to ohio to be a part of. a relationship that i had based so much of myself upon, and so much of my future upon, came to an abrupt end and that was then continuously thrown in my face for months. through my hardest times, the truth about some of my closest friends was brought out: who cared and who didn't. i gained a lot of love and respect for a few unexpected friends that really came to be there for me. i lost some respect for others that i had expected to be there for me. basically, every reason that i had come home for fell through.. and i was left with a lot of questions.
a lot of things changed for me. i quit my job of 4 years, though i was probably about to get promoted. i started working at a day camp for kids with special needs.. and it was one of the best things that could've happened to me at that time. i fell in love with those kids, and they gave me the affection i needed, and the yearning to feel wanted or needed, in some way. and they showed me how to be patient, and how to love.. even when it was hard.
i had started to go to a new church when i moved back to ohio, and i really started getting involved there. vineyard taught me what a church body is really supposed to look like.. i had never seen anything like it, or felt so welcome in a room of "strangers" in my whole life. the pastor's wife completely took me under her wing and adopted me into their family, and was a woman of wisdom when i really needed it. i finally got to be a part of a church full of prostitutes and drug addicts and i absolutely loved it.
i learned a lot about myself during this time. i learned how to hold my tongue.. sometimes. which may have turned into suppression.. but whatever. i learned what it meant to be selfless. to love your enemies.. or at least to try to. i learned how silly emotions are, and to not let myself get carried away with them. (sometimes i think i've already forgotten that one.) i learned that you can never ever change someone, and you should never think that you can. i learned to be cautious. i learned not to trust so easily.. which may or may not be a problem. but i'll consider it a strength. i was able to have a lot of conversations and help others who were going through similar situations. i can now relate to so many more people than i would've been able to, had i not had my heart broken. i learned to be honest with myself, and about myself. my entire relationship with God changed.. for the good or bad. i had to conquer that feeling of numbness that comes with trying to shut off feelings that you don't want to feel anymore. i had to get over myself and end my own pity party.
after a summer of ups and downs and confusion and clarity, i went back to AU.
it started off a little awkward; a little scary.. just as any big decision does. but i quickly realized how much i had loved the school, and wondered why i ever even left. i immediately fell in love with the atmosphere and the excitement over the progress that was happening all around, and still is. i have met people this year whom i consider to be some of my closest friends and people that have blown my mind and taught me to think differently than i have ever thought before. they have already affected my life in big ways, and i know that they will continue to do so. and i am so thankful for that. i moved in with a few girls that i really didn't know at all, and they turned out to be some of the coolest girls i know... and they were just what i needed. my relationships with old friends have only strengthened, and they have introduced me to a lot of people who simply inspire me.
so, 2008 was a year that let me prove myself. i hit rock bottom, and i showed the ugliest of myself. and i rose above, and showed the best inside of me. i now know myself so much better than i did before, and at the same time.. i sometimes feel like i am starting all over again, with not knowing myself at all. i am now a much deeper thinker, and i embrace the concept of just "being".. something i probably would've just gotten bored with before. i have learned how to forgive, and i have learned self control. i have learned to let things go.
the scariest part of it all is that i'm worried that i'm already starting to forget all that i have learned..
needless to say, i am thrilled about all that the year 2009 will bring. i am excited to see what this next semester brings, and i definitely cannot wait for what this summer holds. i still have so much to learn, and i still have remnants from 2008 that i need to work through. but it is a process, and it is my process. only i can be where i am, and learning what i am learning through it all. and that is a freeing thing !
...and so my story continues. :]
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| 2009, so far:
reading. journaling. pondering. conversing.
old family videos (where my uncle moons the camera and my dad is dressed up like a woman..)
way too many naps
antibiotics and echinacea
milkshakes
realizing that the past really is in the past.. and that is okay. weird.. but, finally okay.
noticing changes in myself
wii tennis
my first songs written on a piano !
not completely hating the taste of champagne
...so, not that bad really. :]
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| wow. it has been a whiiiiiiiile.
a lot has happened in my life. i am not really the same.. and it's really strange to say, or even think. sometimes i feel like i barely know myself anymore, but sometimes i feel like i learn more and more about myself all the time. i think because a lot of things that i used to know and believe as truth.. just aren't. and when you don't know what you believe about something, you lose a part of that sense of knowing yourself.
for one, the sense of home is a strange concept. i really do have to agree with garden state in the idea of home simply being when you feel at home with that special someone.. instead of a place. don't get me wrong, i still love home and my parents are always awesome. but i also feel happy and like i belong in anderson, and i don't really like the idea of "coming home". it carries so much with it. when i come home, i am filled with all kinds of memories--good and bad. a lot of my close friends from home have moved away. and i still have friends in springfield that i am excited to see. i guess it's just really odd to think about what "coming home" means to me, compared to my freshman year when i came home all of the time. then, "coming home" meant that micah was picking me up and we would hang out all weekend with each other and our families and then i would go back to school. so i still associate that, in a way, with coming home. and now that it doesn't mean that at all, i don't really want to come home. it's bittersweet.
so i don't know what home is. and i honestly don't know what i want to do with my life anymore. i'm open to a lot of different possibilities, so i think that is a good thing. but part of me wants to go off to a million different countries and just love on people.. and i might do that at some point, for a while. but then part of me wants to live in a big city.. maybe go to grad school in one, like seattle. then i have this whole other side of me that wants to live in an urban setting and completely invest myself in the lives of kids and adults. along with that one would be farming/gardening. then there's always that far off dream of going on tour.. even as a merch girl for a friend's band. and i am constantly trying to figure out when i can go backpacking in europe, or on country-wide bike rides, or an internship in a crazy place.. i just have a million things i want to do with myself. and i worry that i will never be able to do them all.
and, okay, i know it is silly to be thinking about this when i'm not even in a relationship with anyone. BUT.. it is something that, for myself, i need to think about. i kind of have to know what i want to do with my life before i get in any kind of relationship, because i don't want to start something that i would have to end because of life goals and decisions. that kind of played a part in the disintegration of my last relationship, and i am not about to make the same mistake twice. so, although i love the idea of rooting in an area where i can commit myself and make a difference and have urban gardens and grow my own food and raise my own chickens and honeybees.. i also have this huge desire to travel and live in a million places. and i can't not let myself do that.. at least for a little while. i feel like i would always regret it if i didn't.
for a long time, i've thought that i would want to live in another country and work in some kind of international organization. lately, i've been wanting to work with victims of human trafficking/sex slavery. which.. i'm still very interested in that. and i know that social work is what i want to do.. and there are so many things i can do with it. so i'm not having a freak out about my career choice. but i've always been interested in working in an urban setting, and lately.. i have fallen in love with the idea of farming in urban areas. kids, especially kids who have grown up in poverty, don't know a lot about where their food comes from or how to sustain themselves. and there are so many reasons to grow your own food. for one, it is way cheaper. and you know where your food is coming from and that no workers are being mistreated in order for you to be fed. you know there are no hormones or chemicals in your food. and there is something beautiful about the bond that exists between people who put so much time and effort into something like a garden. gardening builds community. and it is easy to make your garden beautiful! and that could bring beauty and art and restoration to any given area that seems dead and hopeless. if that's not exciting, i don't know what is.
so this summer is really exciting. because i am staying in anderson, and there is a handful of us that are starting 3-5 community gardens on the west side of anderson. my boss from my internship mentioned the fact that the city owns plots of land that are going to waste, and offered to let my friends and i use them for the community gardens we have been dreaming of. so last week, we drove around and looked at all of the plots. they are perfect and have so much potential. we've already been guaranteed at least 4.. and 3 of them are all on the same road. we've also been wanting to live in a house together, hopefully close to a lot. we looked at a few houses, which is all really exciting. the city is going to give us a house and we're going to fix it up and live in it and garden !!! we're hoping for a few grants to help us out. and we're going to try to get churches and people from the community to help. the main point of the garden is to empower the neighborhoods that they are in, so that the people that live there can learn how to grow their own food and be able to sustain themselves. and we're going to take old things like bathtubs and tv's to plant things in.. and i love that. i love the idea of taking something that is used, and dirty, and old, and broken.. and planting something new, fresh, young, and beautiful in it. and we are hoping to have some chickens and a goat at our house, as well. the chickens will mostly be used for eggs, although i think one will eventually be used for meat. :[
anyway, if all goes well, this will all happen in the summer and then we will continue to live there for the next few years.. at least until we graduate. and then we'll see..
it's just so crazy to think about. so many great, great things are happening in anderson. dreams are really coming true and i'm so excited that i can be apart of it. but i also worry about the future and what that all means for me..
and i don't really know what love is. and because of that, i've had a hard time receiving love.. even from God. i feel like i don't know who God is.. because i have so many ideas of who God is, and they don't all match up. and because my belief in who God is has always been my foundation of defining myself, I'm having a hard time doing that. so it's been a really weird semester in that sense.. and i don't know what to do with that, either.
but i set a few goals for myself and for this break:
read a ton of books that have been piling up
hang out with my grandparents
hang out with my bff's
crochet my butt off
go on a spiritual journey
so.. i have a solid two weeks left of my break. and i'm going to do this body cleanser that gets rid of all of the toxins in your body.. and it's a 10-day thing. so, after new years.. i'm going on my own journey. i'm going to get crap out of my body, and i'm going to try to get some crap out of my soul. i'm going to read the bible like i've never read the bible before. i have so many questions.. and i'm going to try to find the answers for myself, as best i can. i know i'll never know a lot of them, but it's definitely worth a try, because trusting is just not good enough for me anymore.
so i am really excited about all of these things. and this break has been really good for me so far, and i'm sure it will continue to be. i've had good times with my family and my close friends. but i've also had a lot of time to myself.. and a lot of time to use as a creative outlet, and that has been good to be able to do. and i am looking forward to more of that !
it was really good to type all of that out. i had been really upset by something earlier tonight, and i feel better having written all of this out. because i realize that some things are just not meant to be, and it's hard to accept that.. but there's nothing else to do except just that... i need to learn to BE.
i'm going to go cuddle with the cute dog (ava) waiting for me under the covers ! g'night. | | |
| "I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved"
-Death Cab for Cutie.
this song made me cry and change my perspective. and it is gewwwd. | | |
| i am declaring, right now, that love is the dumbest feeling of all. who invented such a thing. seriously.
after so much pain, i should be jaded. after so many lies, i should not be able to trust. after promising myself that i would never let anyone in ever again, here i find myself. i find myself longing for those old, forgotten feelings of bliss. maybe they weren't real, but i'd like to think that they were at the time.
as much as i'd like to convince myself otherwise, i had at least one whole year of happiness. i didn't get much sleep; i didn't need it. i would stay up late, simply being in love. i would wake up early, because i had it in me. i couldn't sleep because of the joy that would invade my thoughts and force me to smile. i KNEW with everything in me that it was right. i knew it. i jumped in with everything i had, and that was returned. i didn't have to try at all; i couldn't help but get swept right off of my feet. i know the feeling.
all of this ended in betrayal. my world was turned upside down. if i couldn't trust the one person who had proved themselves to me, who could i trust? if i couldn't trust my heart, then i couldn't trust myself or my own judgment anymore. i couldn't trust a lot of my friends or my family, because they literally could not understand what i felt. there were few that did, and to them i am so grateful. it was those few friends that pried the words out of me that i tried not to let myself feel... when i tried to act like it was getting better. when i tried to pretend like i was the bigger person. as much as i tried to go about everything the right way, it ended with a cold heart full of bitterness. i know the feeling.
it took a long time, and a fixing of wrong theology for me to understand some things. honestly, i still don't really understand things. i guess i've come to grips with the fact that i will never really be able to accept it, but i can at least accept the uncertainty of it all. what happened, happened.. there's no going back. and there's no going forward. it was a part of my life that taught me more than i had ever learned.. about myself, about others, about people in general, about the concept of love and what that really is... i wouldn't be who i am right now. and i like who i am right now. i am much more aware; and i am not as innocent and naive as i once was. which may or may not be a good thing. after getting past the bitterness, i found myself brokenhearted all over again. once the anger is gone, there is nothing to shield the grief from invading every thought. there's no one to put the blame on anymore. you're left with yourself, your own heart, and your own choices to make of how to get on with your life. i know the feeling of in between.
and so i have. all of this said, i find myself at the starting point. which is completely mind-boggling. why would i ever want to get to the starting point again.. especially if there is a (big) chance that i will end up going through the entire cycle and starting back at the starting point, yet again. they say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"... i have thought that was bullcrap for so long now. the pain.. the pain is not worth the risk. the cost is too high. i would have to be so so sure, and you can never be sure enough.. never.
i know these things in my head. i tell myself this stuff all of the time. so how is it that i find myself at the starting point again? i want to embrace this time alone. i want to be so purified through this. i want to be transformed into who i am, on my own. i need to be able to have this time. i need to embrace it willingly, and thrive in it. and i want to do that. so how do you match up your mind, your gut, your instinct, your logic....?
eff it. i'm becoming a nun. goodnight. | | |
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